Sunday, May 3, 2009

Jews and Iguanas: The Complete Trilogy


How does a gay Palestine Refugee picture his own demise?

On a remote Cuban island, via rum-fuelled hallucinations, the Jews would feature prominently in my imagined death, proving that our cunning Semitic kin have usurped not only our land, falafel and colourful curses, but our sub-conscious as well.


---


Estrogen Gehenna


I let myself go in the shower near the hotel pool, emptying my bladder into my shorts, relishing in the relief.


Six days earlier, as I boarded the rickety Cubana jet, I salivated in excitement at the prospect of the foreskin fiesta that awaited me. Like a hummingbird I would hover, from one prepuce to the next, gorging myself on countless pearls of sweet, translucent nectar.


But Allah would prove to be a most unmerciful deity.


There I was, on the sixth day of my trip, so miserably disappointed at the shortage of men, that pissing in the shower would be the highest form of carnal pleasure that my penis would experience on this forsaken island.


And as if this queer Palestine Refugee hadn’t suffered enough…

Suddenly, three topless Italian women invade my shower from all directions. Whichever way I looked, areolae as wide as saucers glared back menacingly. Totally encircled, like Sadat’s Third Army, I stood upright, in a futile attempt to compress my body, as six nipples, hardened by the shower’s cool stream, would peck mercilessly at my torso with the gusto of a thousand famished Ganges vultures.


I looked heavenward and invoked Allah’s name, begging the Almighty to put an end to this mammarian onslaught.

Ya Allah: even Job didn’t go through such horrors. What unforgivable sin have I committed to earn such a fate?


Distracted by complementary margaritas, the sows waddled off.
I cursed their mothers’ vulvas and Allah herself for sending them my way.

I escaped from the Estrogen Gehenna of the resort and walked towards the cave.. There I would find peace, or so I thought…

---
Mitzpe-Iguana’s Triumph

A cave, hidden in the escarpment, would serve as my refuge from the woman-infested resort.
In the afternoons, I would sit at the mouth of the cave, facing a lip of white sand jutting into the Caribbean. My only companions were a large, sun-faded iguana and a thorny bush that had somehow found a way to obstinately grow into the rocky wall. Inside the cave, upon shelf -like protrusions, I would store bottles of water and rum, a note-pad and a pen.

Sitting naked, or as we say in Arabic:
Rabbi Kama Khalaqtani (my lord as you have created me), I would scribble furiously on the note pad, putting the ideas for a future novel on paper, pausing only to imbibe some rum and re-arrange my testicles. Like a gypsy reading a coffee cup, I would attempt to make sense of the pattern that my scrotum would leave in the sand. On the 6th day, the creases would tell me that a great calamity was heading my way. I dismissed my vision as mere paranoia. Surely, my near-lynching at the hands of the 3 topless Italian women was the biggest malheur du jour. Little did I know...

---

I pondered the following question:

If Rabbi Bar Yochai was able to compose the Zohar in a cave, what kind of work would I come up with if I were to cloister myself in here for the next 13 years?

Then again, Rashbi had the company of his son and a carob tree for sustenance; while, all I have is a thorny bush and a near-comatose iguana. Of course! The Jews have all the luck! We Palestinians always get the short end of the stick.

At that point the iguana turned to me and proclaimed:

"You're doomed, because Allah is a vindictive Moroccan Jewess.
Indeed, Allah (née Renée Abitbol) is a perpetually irate ex-Brooklyn septuagenarian, frustrated at her late Ashkenazi husband's chronic impotence, and in his later years, incontinence. Upon his death, she moved to Miami where she spends her days verbally abusing other condo owners, taking periodic breaks to rain misfortune upon the Palestinian nation as punishment for your people's cheering of Saddam Hussein's 1991 attack on Tel Aviv."


Wallah, if after half bottle of rum the iguana would start speaking to me, what wonders await when the bottle is empty?

And that's when they appeared.
----

Hola! They greeted.

I looked up from my notepad and saw a nudist couple in their forties. Out of the man's sizable pubic mane dangled a kosher sausage and two pendulous eggs; and on the woman's neck, shone a diamond-studded star of David.

I turned to the iguana for an explanation, where these Renée's emissaries, coming to spy on me?

Shalom! I answered
They smiled, and the man pointed to the water.
Yes, Jews indeed, they've known me for less than a minute and they're already making themselves comfortable.

I asked them how they were able to find the hidden cave but they shook their heads:
"Sorry, no Inglés". So I switched to Hebrew, but to no avail. Yet, with my limited Spanish I was able to comprehend that the couple were from Argentina.

As we attempted to make conversation, a frustration festered in my heart, nay a fury, at their mono-lingualism.

How can they speak only one language? Do people in Argentina not go to school? What cave did these dungervolker crawl out of?

I looked at the man and thought,
oh member of a tribe that gave the world one out of five Nobel prize winners, how dare you speak one language? And here I am, a Palestinian who speaks five, and my nation only had one Nobel prize winner; won by a man whose only notable skill is the ability to out-slime an eel in a bucket of olive oil.

Turning to the woman:

And you, from wombs of women like you sprung forth great men like Rabbi Joseph Rosen, from whose brain one could reportedly build 10 Bialiks and 4 Einsteins, all geniuses in their own right.

You're a Jewish woman!

You're a Jewish woman!

You're supposed to trill ten languages simultaneously; as your right hand resolves a complex quadratic equation, while your left writes down invitations for the next Hadassah fund-raiser. Not to be outdone, your right foot would light a Sabbath candle, while your left kneads a Challah. Crowning the multitasking achievement is your clitoris, which would strum Hatikva on a miniature guitar, entertaining the rest of the extremites as they go on about their work.

And that's within the realm of the average Yiddische Hausfrau. Many Jewesses are capable of far more.

How dare you speak only one language?

Paying no heed to my grimaces and gesticulations, the couple wandered about, surveying the grounds.

Of course, that's how it all starts. Before long, a group of trailers would gather on top of the escarpment. Within a month they would build a lookout settlement they would name Mitzpe-Iguana, from which they would keep an eye on me, the pesky Arab. Within a month or two they would point to my beloved thorny bush and accuse me of allowing the land to lay fallow. Thus the JNF would expropriate my lip of sand, on which they would plant rows of pine trees. They would then paint a blue line around my feet and tell me that everything outside the line was land earmarked for Mitzpe-Iguana's future expansion.

I protested, jumping up and down, arms flailing.

With my blood I shall redeem my land, you shall not take it away from me!

The couple stood at the mouth of the cave, in between them was the iguana. In fact, it was no sun-faded, near-comatose iguana at all, it was Ariel Sharon! Arik, as it would seem, had been revived and dispatched to the Cuban island on one last mission: to put an end to my life.

As they closed in on me, the Jewess reached into her pubic sideburns and pulled out three sharp knives...

As Renée looked down smugly from the heavens, the massacre began..

Within moments my blood-curdling screams would cease.

---

Amira's Eulogy

Monte Carlo lies in ruins.

The city's wealthy inhabitants went on a destructive rampage in what became known as the Champagne Riots of 2009, or Cristalnacht. Their fury was aimed at the Jews, whom while celebrating my demise had emptied Monaco and other such nests of wealth, of their very last bottle of the pricey effervescent libation.

"Kill the Jews!" cried mobs of blond, heavily bejeweled women in Jackie O' shades and sleek Escada pant-suits, as they overturned smart cars and broke into liquor stores in a futile attempt to imbibe just one last drop of Veuve Clicquot.

But the Jews were too busy celebrating to notice.

Back at the Knesset, Avigdor Lieberman raised a flute of Moët in a toast to Arik Sharon's successful mission, fiercely code-named Sulphur Rain on Sodom's Fruit. After a short speech punctuated by Ahmed Tibi's loud protests, he downed the bubbly and shattered the empty glass on Tibi's head. MKs from across the political spectrum followed suit, reducing Tibi's noggin into a pulp of blood and glass. The revelry continued through the night, as Tibi was permanently transferred to Gaza, where he received over a hundred stitches at Al-Shifa Hospital.

Meanwhile, down in the bowels of Al-Shifa, applause preceded and followed Ismael Haniyyeh's address before a gathering of Hamas leaders:



"Today we celebrate the death of the self-immolating defeatist named Nizo. May a thousand fiery embers burn this self-hating slanderer who portrayed our valiant Palestinian nation as the appendix of the Arab world, void of human capital and perpetually suckling on the teat of the UN, like a sixty-year-old man who was never weaned. Gone is this libelous collaborator, who depicted our brave freedom fighters as bloodthirsty terrorists and our ideology as inflexible and rejectionist. May he never be mourned!"

- - -
But mourned I was, by the three women who made the trek to Cuba.
They stood on the lip of sand, facing the sea.

At their bare feet they laid my sun-bleached jawbone, my only physical remnant.

There stood Amira Hass, Um-Nizo (my mother) and Lisa Goldman, wearing flowing white linen dresses, stained and creased after a day of intense mourning involving the violent pulling of hair and scratching of breasts.

Lisa reached into her scarred, ample bosom and took out a folded piece of paper she had found earlier in the stone wall of the escarpment. Overwhelmed with emotion, she passed it on to Amira, the only one among the three who had the fortitude to read it out loud before an audience of supplicatory Cuban iguanas expecting to get a meal out of the event:


"In the name of Renée the Unmerciful,

Dearly beloved,

As the heavens ominously darken with Renée’s circling vultures; I leave you with these parting words:

Do not mourn, for in death I shall find great liberation!

For it is only through death that this refugee can return to Palestine.

My dear Lisa,

Do one last mitzvah for your dead friend:

I ask of you to arrange for the cremation of my remains and the compression of the ashes into a pellet which you shall take back with you to Tel Aviv.

As soon as you disembark at Ben Gurion airport I want you to locate the busiest men’s room and deposit me in the first urinal you see.

In the porcelain receptacle that would become my temporary grave, throngs of unsuspecting Jews would unwittingly implement the Palestinian Right of Return, one steamy golden jet at a time…

For as I melt away… little by little, I shall become one again with Palestine."


46 comments:

Rebecca said...

Oy, Nizo! What a gruesome nightmare!

I'm glad there are some Jewesses, at any rate, whom you trust with your last remains!

But may you remain alive with us for many years (a 120 we customarily say)!

Abu Sa'ar said...

" MKs from across the political spectrum followed suit, reducing Tibi's noggin into a pulp of blood and glass. The revelry continued through the night, as Tibi was permanently transferred to Gaza, where he received over a hundred stitches at Al-Shifa Hospital."

Your insight into the darkest desires of Israelis is uncanny! You also did not mention that since Tibi is a gynecologist (rumored to be a good one), his transfer to Al-Shifa will be considered and presented as humanitarian aid :)

nominally challenged said...

"For as I melt away… little by little, I shall become one again with Palestine."No such luck. It all just gets dumped straight into the sea. And what with the currents, you'll probably end up in Turkey.

ontheface said...

Turkey's not bad. Istanbul is awesome.

Nobody said...

I think we should commemorate your tragic demise by evacuating half a dozen of real Mitzpe-Iguanas from the West Bank, even though I am unsure about where exactly we are going to resettle the iguanas themselves.

Nobody said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
masalai said...

All this somewhat begs the question of why one might have gone as far as Cuba to find uncircumcised men when one lived in Montreal.

A gay-as-paint Muslim Malayali acquaintance of mine in Kottayam, where St Thomas the Apostle reputedly landed in India in the first century and where his entire congregation of converts were -- despite the myth of the Oriental Orthodox Christians who are the vast majority there that they are Hindu Brahmins -- Jews and where the entire community are for obvious reasons somewhat foreskin-conscious, supposes that he can visit the nude beaches of Australia and attract all manner of favourable attention by reason of his exotic "circumstance." (Well, his English isn't great.)

It is perhaps mildly tragic to announce that while circumstances are not, perhaps, all that common in Australia other than among old geezers, they are also not all that rare and he won't attract notice either favourable or unfavourable on the nude beaches here.

One wonders if that might not have been Nizo's experience in Cuba if he hadn't sequestered himself as he did.

SnoopyTheGoon said...

I was expecting a happier, albeit also sad, end. Like sacrificing your mortal body in favor of that iguana or something. Now the image of Lieberman drinking champagne will be never erased from my consciousness. And I will blame you, Nizo.

As for Lisa's pulling of hair and scratching of breasts - I seriously doubt it. Tel Avivians do not have an attention span that long. Amira, on the other hand...

G said...

Am I the only one to notice the fact that it was Nizo's Jawbone which remained and not a more appropriate protrusion of his body?

I can't believe this was due to Nizo refraining from over-vulgarity, we passed THAT border at the singing clitoris...

The whole episode is so Freudian it begs for an insightful interpretation, especially with the reference to um-Nizo at the end, but I have to give it some thought before really attempting it. Nizo’s dad must be in there too somewhere – the Ariel/Iguana perhaps, as a menacing father figure?

G

Morey Altman said...

Seriously, Nizo. I read your posts and I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Nobody said...

Morey Altman said...

Seriously, Nizo. I read your posts and I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I was facing a somewhat similar predicament after having read this post. Initially I thought to follow Lisa's example of violent pulling of hair and scratching of breasts, but then I looked at where was supposed to be an ample bosom and gave up on this idea.

nominally challenged said...

I did the same thing when I looked at where my hair was supposed to be ... so I ended up laughing instead

Tamar Orvell said...

NEVER will you return dead but alive to occupy (sic) an honored place at welcoming watering holes not of the porcelain kind.

Nobody said...

NC

You are making a tactical mistake of reinforcing Lisa's image as a mega Jewess in the eyes of Nizo. Because what follows from our comments is that even both of us together can't muster enough bosom and hair to reproduce Lisa's feats.

Nobody said...

Of course it goes without saying that this is a piece of brilliance. Man, you should really concentrate on that book you are writing. Forget about blogging. First things should come first.

Unimpressed Jew said...

Nizo wrote:

"Today we celebrate the death of the self-immolating defeatist named Nizo. May a thousand fiery embers burn this self-hating slanderer who portrayed our valiant Palestinian nation as the appendix of the Arab world, void of human capital and perpetually suckling on the teat of the UN, like a sixty-year-old man who was never weaned."

Even if camoflaged as humor, with that paragraph you destroy all the work that has been done by hard-working Palestinians and peace-loving Jews who are striving to end the de-humanization of the Palestinians in the media.

For someone of your talent you should be working for your cause and not against it.

Nizo said...

Rebecca,
Thank you for your wishes, as someone who practices safe sex and who eats right I aim to surpass 120 (Renée willing)


Abu,
Tibi is a great gyno (so says Amira)

NC, Lisa
In that case place me in a urinal in some busy Jerusalem yeshiva with a high prevalence of redheads.Don't tell me their sewage is sent to Turkiyye as well..

Nobody,
I think it's easier to transfer Arabs than to evacuate settlers :)

Masalai,
I've had all the ones in Mtl..

Snoopy,
You expected funnier, what am I a clown? It's not enough than in 3 years my blog has turned from a Peace Café to Moledet Drag-Bar, where right-wing Jews perch themselves on leather couches while smoking cigars and plotting world domination, all while I dance around them, undulating my hairy thighs in one grotesque show after the next.. When will you people be happy?

G,
I picked a Jaw-bone because I wanted the travellers at TLV to urinate into my mouth, that's one sexual act I've never been brave enough to do in real life but wouldn't mind trying as I transition permanently to the sitra achra.

Morey,
Cry or laugh, it's your prerogative, I'm about to sink my teeth in a lucious mango and the rest of the world can go to Jehennum for the next 5 minutes.

Tamar,
You intend to go out bar-hopping when I come meet you in TLV? Yallah I'm game.

Unimpressed Jew,
Who are you to stifle the criticism of my people and their leaders? May Khaled Mishaal rest his eggs on your head.

Anonymous said...

Unimpressed - please, this is humor! Must everything be politically correct?

Argaman

Nobody said...

Even if camoflaged as humor, with that paragraph you destroy all the work that has been done by hard-working Palestinians and peace-loving Jews who are striving to end the de-humanization of the Palestinians in the media.

Thank you, Nizo, for doing this. I really hope that this time you have destroyed all of it.

PS

By the way, I can hardly think about more boring and unimaginative bunch than a company of hard working Palestinians and peace loving Jews striving to end something. I can bore myself into an iguana like near comatose state by just thinking about peace round tables I read on the net.

Abu Sa'ar said...

Nizo -

Your last comment made me LOL so much I had tears in my eyes. You must publish stuff, ya Nizo, and make posterity LOL. Noblesse oblige and all that: you have an extraordinary talent.

Nobody said...

Nizo said...

Snoopy,
You expected funnier, what am I a clown? It's not enough than in 3 years my blog has turned from a Peace Café to Moledet Drag-Bar, where right-wing Jews perch themselves on leather couches while smoking cigars and plotting world domination, all while I dance around them, undulating my hairy thighs in one grotesque show after the next.. When will you people be happy?

By the way, Nizo, I am curious about how you perceive the transformation of your blog yourself. I am sure you did not expect this a couple of years ago.

Pisa said...

Hey Nizo

Sorry I'm late, just back from the party

http://cache.daylife.com/
imageserve/02rv1vW4v6aRP/
610x.jpg


Nobody
"I can hardly think about more boring and unimaginative bunch than a company of hard working Palestinians and peace loving Jews striving to end something"

Try thinking about hard working Jews and peace loving Palestinians. I hope you get a headache as bad as I did.

How do I post links? I mean, like you do, just write "here" or "this" and voila...link!

Nobody said...

Try thinking about hard working Jews and peace loving Palestinians. I hope you get a headache as bad as I did.

Hard working Palestinians and peace loving Jews is a stressful enough image in itself. But now when you are dragging me into the realm of pure science fiction, I will refuse to follow.

How do I post links? I mean, like you do, just write "here" or "this" and voila...link!

If you have a blogger account you can create a mini post out of your comment and then switch it to edit mode. There you will have all tags done by blogger for you.

Nobody said...

Frankly I think it's easier to just use html tags. In fact, this is what I do. I even write my own posts like this. I never use blogger's compose mode.

Say to link Nobody to www.nobody.com you should do something like this:

<a href="www.nobody.com">Nobody</a>

And so you get this: NobodyJust substitute nobody with this or that and replace www.nobody.com with your url

Nobody said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nobody said...

Sorry, pisa

I missed one thing.You should also add http:// to your url, if you link it manually. Then it will be ok. Like this:


<a href="http://www.nobody.com">Nobody</a>

Anonymous said...

Good luck with your novel, Nizo. I hope it wont be about the ME conflict, it'd be nice to read something about the nightlife in Montreal...But whatever subject, it'll be worth reading.

Unimpressed jew, I understand what you're coming from, but I doubt this blog would have any impact on those that dehumanize palestinstians, those who do have already made up their minds. Don't blame Nizo for this. Besides, I suspect he has given up on the cause, like many others.
Helen

Nobody said...

Unimpressed jew, I understand what you're coming from, but I doubt this blog would have any impact on those that dehumanize palestinstians, those who do have already made up their minds. Don't blame Nizo for this. Besides, I suspect he has given up on the cause, like many others.
Helen

Helen

I think that was one of the most stupid and despicable comments ever recorded in the four or three year long history of this blog. Truly it's said that when a Jew is a genius, he is like Einstein. When he is an idiot, it's like all anonymice, Kuwaiti herders of sheep and other retards combined. No sane person would ever think about taking such a comment seriously, let alone to come up with "I understand what you're coming from", "I feel your pain", "but you see", "lets hope for better days" and so on... Why it should always be you, is simply beyond me.

Pisa said...

Nobody
Thank you!Just kidding:)

This is thank you, really!

"Why it should always be you, is simply beyond me."

You're waaaay out of the box, while Helen is stuck there. I'm somewhere in between, so I can still feel her pain when she reads your comments...

Anonymous said...

I take your comment as a compliment, Nobody.
Pisa, "Thank you"? Is Nobody your Knight in Shining Armour or something?
"I can feel her pain when she reads your comments "???
Indeed, Nobody's comments are truly like a knife piercing through my heart. You two deserve each other :)
Helen
Helen

Nobody said...

Indeed, Nobody's comments are truly like a knife piercing through my heart. You two deserve each other :)
Helen

Well. if it's the heart then my comments missed their destination. Though I still have hope that something will pierce your brain one day and restore some order in it. Tell me, if it's this insane ideology you are practicing that dooms you to be a perennial idiot until the end of your life. Or maybe you are enjoying it. Why would an apparently normal person would do such a thing to herself? For god's sake, Why???!!!

Pisa said...

Helen
"Is Nobody your Knight in Shining Armour or something?"

No, he's my "Idiots' guide to html" teacher. He showed me how to post links here.

My comment about your pain was a joke - and also an attempt to make you get out of the box. Sadly, it failed.

Nobody said...

pisa

I actually liked "Thank you" more than "This"

:D :D

Anonymous said...

Pisa, lets just agree that I'll stay in my box and you and Nobody will stay in your box, which in my opinion is much smaller than my box, but no doubt very cosy.
Nobody, you ought to make up your mind. Either I'm a perrenial idiot or a normal person. I can't be both.
Helen

Nobody said...

Nobody, you ought to make up your mind. Either I'm a perrenial idiot or a normal person. I can't be both.
Helen

It's you who should decide what to be. I can't help you....

Ellie said...

Arabic question -

Would "Im Nizo" mean the mother of Nizo?

Nizo said...

Im-Nizo is equivalent to Um-Nizo (Nizo's Mother). The former is in Levantine spoken Arabic, the latter in classical Arabic.

G said...

Nizo, a question;


How much weight do you give to the 'Freudian' side of your psychic travel reports?
I mean, do you do that on purpose? It seems to fit together too well…If not, I bet Freud himself would give his posterior-virginity to have you analyzed.

G

Wise Ferret said...

Complete off topic:

I found some rare delicacy concerning sex, bible, Palestinians and Yidish. To Nizo with love:

http://www.tapuz.co.il/Forums2008/ViewMsg.aspx?ForumId=817&MessageId=129418595

Nobody said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nobody said...

G said...
Nizo, a question;

How much weight do you give to the 'Freudian' side of your psychic travel reports?
I mean, do you do that on purpose? It seems to fit together too well…If not, I bet Freud himself would give his posterior-virginity to have you analyzed
.

Absolutely everything in the world lends itself easily to Freudian analysis. This has little to do with Nizo travel reports as such, but to the fact that Freud can be stretched to fit together with absolutely everything. The same goes about Jung by the way.

David All said...

(Sorry about this being late)Nizos, I never thought that I would laugh at a post that contained the phrase, "Kill the Jews", but with this one, I have.
Thanks for such a flamborayant and eloquent symbolic description of the fate of a Palestinian moderate at the hands of the current right wing Israeli govt and how your end is also celebrated by the Palestinian leaders as well. The image of the Palestinians sucking on the UN teat for the last 60 years is the unfortunate truth.

Unimpressed Jew sounds like one of those very serious, deadly dull people who never have any fun. He should be avoided like the plague or the swine flu. Perhaps he should go to North Korea where people never simile.

Finally Nizos, just want to join Rebecca in wishing that you will be us for 120 years.

Nizo said...

Wise Ferret:
Shukran 'al link..

G,
Some of it is on purpose...I also tend to open myself up to analysis.. I don't have many taboos..


David,
You haven't seen anything yet.. the short stories that are currently being incubated will be a notch up from everything I have written so far.. I just have to find a publisher once I'm done.. maybe I'll post one or two of them on the blog to lure potential publishers..

Aviv said...

Wise Ferret, I got a kick out of that, thanks. I really liked the allusion to the military songs of the 60's and plays on words like:

האסטו געהערט? השמעת?
זיי וועט מאכן א ברית אין מחנה בלטה.
ובעברית:
אני מתעלפת!
הם יעשו ברית מילה במחנה מרצפת.

The Videocrat said...

Nizo habibi,

I know this is a super delayed reaction but someone in Beirut just told me about your blog. This epic trilogy of yours is possibly the finest, most unique piece of writing I've ever read online - "Allah (née Renée Abitbol)"! I must declare: I love your crazy brain!

Keep up the fabulous writing and can't wait to read the novel you're working on!

Salam,
The Videocrat

Nizo said...

Shukran ya habib(t)i, I'm very touched by your words.. If ever in Montréal, don't be a stranger.