Autumn 2067 edition.
(Inspired by the fabulous Lisa Goldman's non-faux City Guide Tel Aviv)
Past Sections: Modern History, People, Language, Religion
Fool (Beans)
On June 1st 2061, 80-year old Palestinian grandmother Fatima Um-Fasswa let out a deadly fart at the entrance of the Orcanarium Sports Club in Jerusalem - instantly killing 21 Jewish teenagers and injuring 132 more. Known globally as the Orcanarium Massacre, the incident led the Judeo-Samarian government to impose a 10-year import ban on beans in all Palestinian areas.
The attack, fêted across the Arab world as "Operation Divine Wind" was claimed by terrorist group "Tanzeem Al-Darrateen" whose leader Jawad Abu-Fass had the following to say:
"Fool (beans) has always been Palestine's ultimate Plat de Resistance. Our valiant Fatima has taken that statement one step further."
Today, the 86-year old attacker is being kept at an undisclosed location in the Negev Desert where scientists have successfully harnessed her potent gases for use as pesticide. Her family in Bethlehem has not actively lobbied for her repatriation.
Falafel
"They appropriate our G-d and call him Allah, they squat on our land and holy places, they steal my uncle's Volvo, Yet they have the nerve to call us Zionist usurpers when we say Falafel is Jewish."
Rabbi Kook, Judeo-Samarian culinary guru and author of "Matza Ball Soup for the Soul" and "If Kook can cook, so can you!"
Palestinians take their Falafel so seriously that when Rabbi Kook controversially declared that Falafel was the quintessential Jewish food, Arab rioters set Jewish-owned restaurants on fire.
In a particularly ugly incident, 3 Orthodox Jews were drowned to death while gorging themselves on falafel sandwiches as they soaked in a Mikveh (ritual bath) near Tulkarm. A fourth Jew survived the attack by submerging himself and hiding under a thick canopy of floating back-hair.
In retaliation to the Mikveh Massacre, Judeo-Samarian King Kahaneh ordered the bombardment of Tulkarm, obliterating both town and inhabitants.
The large artesian bore where the town once stood filled up quickly with water and was named the "Rabbi Kook mega-Mikveh" becoming a popular weekend destination for Temple Mount priests and their mistresses.
Knafeh
Knafeh, a bright orange syrupy treat from Nablus, used to be the dessert of choice at weddings, circumcisions and among crowds celebrating suicide bombings. With time however, the dish was increasingly associated with Nablus' vibrant homosexual population and their allegedly "wicked" practices.
Knafeh, among other Nabulsite products such as olive oil soap, was eventually blamed for the homosexuality "epidemic" that gripped religious cities such as Gaza and Um Al Fahm. In a desperate measure to keep men from enjoying each other's sphincters, Imam Al-Husseini of Palestine issued a Fatwa banning the dessert. He based his decision on a hadeeth he had "just" discovered:
"The day of judgement will come when Sodomites who ate Knafeh will seek shelter behind a rock or a tree and the said rock or tree will call out: O Muslim! O slave of Allah! Behind me lays a Sodomite, come here and slay him"
Nablus Mayor Tony Abu-George, an outspoken gay activist and owner of Tony & Guy Hairdressing screeched furiously:
"Allah Shmallah! if those islamist neanderthals really want to control homosexuality, they can start by not shrouding their women in black canvas. How's a man supposed to be attracted to a walking bag of coal?"
Marhaba! Magazine (Palestinian version of Hello! Magazine) reported that Tony Abu-George, surrounded by a squadron of hair colourists, sashayed into Al-Husseini's Um-Al-Fahm office and strangled the Imam to death with a feather boa.
Cities of the Pentapolis:
Um Al Fahm, The Angry Bride of Palestine
Nablus, Homo-Heaven (includes bathhouse guide courtesy of Spartacus Publications)
Al-Quds, Palestine's Eternal Capital aka The city previously known as Ramallah
Bethlehem, Mosque of the Nativity and other wonderful shrines
Gaza-Island, Club Med for the Islamic traveller
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
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7 comments:
My neighbor just knocked on the door to find out why I was shrieking. I told her I was shrieking with laughter - which increased in decibel level between Rabbi Kook's cookbook and Mayor Tony Abu-George's feather boa.
:)))) Glad you're enjoying it :))))
Well, either ways -- neither Judeo-Samarians nor Palestinians know anything about falafel.
It's Egyptian taamiyya forever, babe.
The feather boa floored me with laughter.
Uhm... I nearly choked on my Hummus sandwich. For real. Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Mo,
Egyptian Taamiyyah is indeed superior... delectable enough for me to drive 45 mins each Sunday to enjoy all-you-can-eat taamiyyah from the hands of an irate middle-aged Copt who looks and smells like a large falafel.
CK,
You should have choked and died. I'm one dead Jew away from redeeming my Hamas Airmiles and getting that free trip to Tehran. Damn you.
u know they already have marhaba right? and ahlan.
also, i am almost moved to violence myself when i hear how falafel is a jewish food.
i have to disagree with mo-ha-med though, i think i'm comfortable now with the idea that our cuisine pretty much sucks, including the taamiya. although i think the levantines could be using less 7ommos and more fuul.
i was just about to make fun of people who think hummus is a sandwich filling and not a condiment, or dip at best, when ck did it for me :)
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