Autumn 2067 edition.
(Inspired by the fabulous Lisa Goldman's non-faux City Guide Tel Aviv)
Modern History
June 10, 2067 Beijing, China
On a particularly crisp Friday morning in June, the State of Palestine was declared - and for the first time, recognised.
The momentous ceremony, held at the imposing UN building in Beijing featured many heads of state, including regional heavy-weights: King Kahaneh of Judea and Samaria, Mayor Oron of the Staunchly Secular City-State of Tel Aviv and Shah Cyrus of Persia. Notable was the absence of the fourth heavy-weight, Sheikh Saud Al-Sarsoor who blamed his lack of attendance on medical problems resulting from his excessive corpulence. Analysts, however, pointed to the rather embarrassing shortage of jet fuel plaguing the Arabian peninsula.
Fighting back tears of joy, Palestinian President Mrs. Azeema Al-Hazeema clapped dainty hands as the sky choked with a thousand doves, freed to celebrate the birth of the Missile East's newest nation. Shortly thereafter, the unwitting birds were lured back and served for dinner on a bed of fried rice.
A week later, at a ceremony held across from the Temple Mount Complex in Jerusalem, King Kahaneh of Judea-Samaria officially transferred to Al-Hazeema sovereignty over the archipelago of 5 cities known as the Palestine Pentapolis. As a gesture of goodwill, the King decreed that the metropolis of Gaza was to receive the first instalment of the long-disassembled Dome of the Rock.
Trucks carrying dome-fragments and slabs of decorative stone rumbled over the kilometre-long Gilad Shalit bridge spanning the deep salt-water berm that surrounds the Island-city.
Not everyone was celebrating.
Cries of protest echoed at the UNRWA food distribution centres in Madagascar, as 155 million refugees, descendants of Arabs expelled in 1948, 1967 and the Great Lieberman Transfer of 2012 carried large keys and maps of historic Palestine.
In the meantime, Palestine Authority Leader in Exile Faisal Al-Fassad proclaimed from the ornate dining room of his Andalusian villa:
"On this black day a new word has been added to the Palestinian vocabulary. In addition to Nakba and Naksa, today is the day of the Baassa".
He then proceeded to gorge himself on a leg of lamb, taking breaks only to curse the injustices inflicted on his people by the "illegitimate Jewish entity".
Palestinian President Al-Hazeema responded by expressing sympathy for the Palestine refugees. However, she stressed the importance of focusing on Palestine's internal affairs and developing the archipelago’s economy through tourism and woven basket exports. She then quoted Voltaire's "Il faut cultiver notre jardin" before busying herself with tulip bulbs sent by the Imam of Al-Amsterdam.
- - - - -
President Al-Hazeema is proud to endorse this travel guide and takes this opportunity to welcome travellers to Palestine.
The Basics, People, Language, Religion, Food
Cities of the Pentapolis:
Um Al Fahm, The Angry Bride of Palestine
Nablus, Homo-Heaven (includes bathhouse guide courtesy of Spartacus Publications)
Al-Quds, Palestine's Eternal Capital aka The city previously known as Ramallah
Bethlehem, Mosque of the Nativity and other wonderful shrines
Gaza-Island, Club Med for the Islamic traveller
Thursday, June 19, 2008
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15 comments:
Aw, honey. I can only aspire to your wit. Seriously.
Now I'm wondering if I would be brave enough to write a similar dystopia for Israel in 2067...
Thanks for stopping by my blog, and I welcome your thoughtful commentary!
BHG
Mosque of the Nativity, ענק
Why is the state declared in Beijing? China should be the site of Palestine's equivalent of November 29. Then Honor-Shame-conscious Palestinians declare the state in Al-Quds, with guests from all over the world, with Prez Al-Hazeema invoking national poet Darweesh and חוזה המדינה Arafat (or Sheikh Yassin, if I get your drift).
Looking forward to the Nablus piece, and whatever can be said about contemporary non-faux Nabluseen in this context...
Brilliant!
How did Jenin and Hebron get left out of the Pentapolis (Heptapolis)?
Aviv, Beijing is where the UN HQ will be after the USA collapses in on itself in 2032.
Love 'al-Amsterdam' - this should be the place for the renaissance of the Hashisheen, no?
The best part is that by 2067 all of today's politicians will have finally succumbed to the Al-Zheimer's from which they (and, indirectly, we) are suffering today.
To listen to the fabulous Lisa Goldman's non-faux interview (starring as the interviewee), follow this link.
you ARE so witty. i don't know why you waste yourself on selling stuff. i have sent this to all my friends who have waxed very lyrical, being political nerds and humour nerds.
Lisa,
There will be no Israel in 2067.. at least not beyond the borders of the TA metropolis. King Kahaneh told me so in a dream I had recently after passing out from a particularly heavy dinner of Egyptian ta3miyyah (falafel). :)
Bald headed geek,
Al lo davar
Aviv,
With woven basket exports barely paying for Mrs. Al-Hazeema's Manolo Blahniks, she is forced to rely on the generosity of international donors for practically everything else. Thus, King Kahaneh was quick to rise to the occasion (as he always does) and host the costly ceremony in Jerusalem. The Judeo-Samarian King is known for his generosity towards Palestine. In fact, many Palestinian houses would be without roofs had the King not extensively subsidized asbestos shingles.
NC,
I intended to spoof the bibical Philistine Pentapolis (originally Ashkelon, Ashdod, Ekron, Gath, Gaza).
Furthermore, King Kahaneh refused to accept a Palestinian presence in Judaism's second holiest city of Hebron. He relocated the Arab inhabitants to a village in the Sinai called H3. Acknowledging the homesickness of the displaced Hebronites, he promised them weekly house seizures and demolitions so they can feel as if they never left Judea.
As for Jenin, the town was depopulated and razed by the now-defunct IDF, shortly after director Mohammed Bakri announced plans for part II of Jenin, Jenin.
Savta,
All except Shimon Peres. In 2066, he was re-elected as Tel Aviv's Minister of Youth and Sports.
Tamar,
Re-Linkez, SVP
FT,
Merci Merci, all 4 cheeks are blushing.. Tell them to stay tuned for more.
You wrote:
Tamar,
Re-Linkez, SVP
I write:
Nizo,
I did supply the link though indirectly. Here it is, the direct link to the fabulous Lisa Goldman's non-faux interview:
On the Face: Lisa's very cool interview with Stephanie
So H3 was relocated in the Sinai?
Do that mean that the rumours that Emperor Tamer Gamal Mohamed Hosni Mubarak has given Sinai to the King of Judea-Samaria in exchange for a night with his daughter (or was it his son?) are TRUE??
>>All except Shimon Peres. In 2066, >>he was re-elected as Tel Aviv's >>Minister of Youth and Sports.
LOLOLOLOLOLLOOOOOOOOOOL
Ah, the TA Metropolis. I wonder if they will have finished building the first light rail line by that stage?
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