Faux-dor's Guide to Palestine: Religion

Autumn 2067 edition.

(Inspired by the fabulous Lisa Goldman's non-faux City Guide Tel Aviv)

Modern History
On a particularly crisp Friday morning in June, the State of Palestine was declared - and for the first time, recognised. Read the Rest Here.

People, Language
"There are no Palestinians."
Gorda Meir, long-time chairwoman of AIPAC and heiress of the Oskar Meir kosher sausage empire. Read the rest here

Religion

The Palestinian population follows the three major monotheistic faiths. Sunni Muslims (70%) inhabit all cities of the Pentapolis and are particularly observant in Gaza Island, Jews (20%) of the Naturei Karta sect live in a ghetto near Nablus, and Christians (10%) can be found mainly in prison.

A sizeable Messianic-Jewish community existed in Gaza Island until 2066. Many believe that incessant pressure from mainstream Jews accusing Messianic Jews of apostasy led to the mass suicide of the congregation. Here’s Palestine's Messianic-Jewish Rabbi Shalom Tanoch's facebook status the day he led the flock off the roof of a 10-story building:

"Yeshua lo ba, Yeshua gam lo metalpen" (Jesus didn’t come. Jesus didn’t call either)

It could be safely assumed that the treatment of Palestine’s Jewish minority at the hands of the majority Muslim establishment reflect the tenuous relationship between Palestine and the neighbouring Kingdom of Judea and Samaria. However, despite the occasional pogrom, relations between the two groups tend to be cordial.

Nevertheless, when Palestinian President Al-Hazeema decreed that Jews must wear a yellow patch in public, world-wide condemnation was swift.

She quickly clarified that the patch was to be worn over the mouth and not only by Jews but by all other groups deemed - in her words as "Irritating to the point of triggering a riot”. The list includes pre-menstruating women and teething babies.

Chief Rabbi of Palestine Naturei Karta's Boged Ben-Bagad (also known as Yiddish rap-artist B-cubed) had the following to say on the topic:

"I’m very happy to be a citizen of Palestine, I wear my yellow patch in public with naches and encourage my wife Yuchna and the in-laws to keep theirs on at all times.”


Circumcision

If there’s anything the three religious communities agree upon in Palestine, it is male circumcision. The Abrahamic-inspired event is fêted with scripture readings, fireworks and the firing of katyushas at Tel Aviv.

While some economically-disadvantaged families still perform the operation on their kitchen tables, most parents now take their infants to the state-of-the-art Sultan Circumcision Centres where a reasonable rate covers the procedure, a certificate and a belly dancer. It is courteous to leave a small tip – and most invariably do.

Incidentally, the owner of the Sultan Circumcision Centres also runs the popular chain of Sultan Restaurants- offering the tenderest calamari rings east of the Mediterranean.

** Coming Soon **

The Basics, Food

Cities of the Pentapolis:

Um Al Fahm, The Angry Bride of Palestine

Nablus, Homo-Heaven (includes bathhouse guide courtesy of Spartacus Publications)

Al-Quds, Palestine's Eternal Capital aka The city previously known as Ramallah

Bethlehem, Mosque of the Nativity and other wonderful shrines

Gaza-Island, Club Med for the Islamic traveller