Faux-dor's Guide to Palestine: People, Language

Autumn 2067 edition.

People

"There are no Palestinians."
Gorda Meir, long-time chairwoman of AIPAC and heiress of the Oskar Meir kosher sausage empire.

Palestinians have come a long way since Gorda Meir made her infamous statement. Thanks to President Azeema Al-Hazeema's extensive lobbying, King Kahaneh decreed in 2060 that Palestinians do indeed exist. Shortly thereafter, addendums to the Judeo-Samarian Charter of Human Rights would render labels such as "poisonous Arab vermin" an indictable offence punishable by up to three days of confinement in the company of a 500-Watt speaker continuously blaring Kobi Peretz's Balbeli Otto.

In keeping with the optimistic spirit of the times, the Judeo-Samarian official broadcasting Authority, Arutz 7, announced it would drop the offensive references and immediately begin referring to Palestinians as "Pseudostinian apes".

Euphoric Palestinians wasted no time in celebrating the upgrade from vermin to monkeys as masses flooded the streets of the Pentapolis. Tragedy struck when the ensuing stampede claimed the life of 3 goats and 250 Gazan school children.

Dr. Yosef Mengeller, chief medical expert and renowned researcher at Abu Kabir Forensic Institute controversially opined that the "Great Monkey Stampede", as the incident was known, highlighted the quintessential Palestinian propensity to self-destruct. To further support his theory, he pointed to his extensive experiments involving Palestinian twins held in captivity, whereby one sibling eventually eliminated the other.

Whether one agrees with Dr. Mengeller or not, the Palestinians certainly cannot be accused of a lack of passion. History has shown that it takes very little to ignite a high-octane reaction. As this guide goes into print, the corpses of those who perished in the “Taybeh Beer Incident” are still being counted.

Here’s Palestinian Brewer Nadim Abu-Sh’eer in his own words:

“Had I known my whole family would be lynched, I wouldn’t have introduced the reduced calorie Mish-Taybeh*”

*Marketed under the Lo-Taybeh label in Tel Aviv.

Language


The Palestinian dialect is a unique blend of Arabic and Hebrew. Linguists have noted that the confluence of the two very guttural tongues have created a linguistic monstrosity that is highly unintelligible and even quite dangerous. In 2066, a group of Harvard linguists who attempted to learn the dialect were hospitalized and treated for severe laryngeal injuries.

Nevertheless, courageous readers may want to try the following common expressions while visiting the country:

Hello! Teezak Hilweh

Please Biddi Teezak

Goodbye Teezak Kbeereh

Where is the minefield? Wein Sdeh Mokshim?

Nice roadblock! Akhla Makhsom!

The road is closed Akalna Khara

Lynch me now Ana Yahudi

** Coming Soon **

The Basics, Religion, Food

Cities of the Pentapolis:

Um Al Fahm, The Angry Bride of Palestine

Nablus, Homo-Heaven (includes bathhouse guide courtesy of Spartacus Publications)

Al-Quds, Palestine's Eternal Capital aka The city previously known as Ramallah

Bethlehem, Mosque of the Nativity and other wonderful shrines

Gaza-Island, Club Med for the Islamic traveller